What NOT to do in Boston

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What is the worst thing you could possibly do in Boston? throw a one-woman “Dunkin’ Sucks and I love the Yankees” parade? In January? In flip-flops? Wow, actually, that might be the most “what NOT to do in Boston” moment I can imagine.

I grew up 20 minutes outside Boston, spent several years living in downtown Boston and Somerville, and I return to the city often. Being from Boston, I have a lot of strong opinions about my home city!

Boston attracts all kinds of travelers — history fans looking to get their American revolution on, girls trips here for restaurant-hopping and dancing, families looking for an educational and fun trip, high school students and their parents scoping out colleges.

No matter what kind of traveler you are, you’ll have a great time in Boston. As long as you have a pretty good idea of what is taboo in this city.

Here is everything you need to know about what NOT to do in Boston.

Table of Contents

Don’t ask people if they park their car in Harvard Yard.
Don’t wear Yankees gear.
Don’t drive. It won’t end well.
Don’t get a cannoli from Mike’s Pastry.
Don’t buy Red Sox tickets before doing your research.
Don’t plan to go out past 2:00 AM.
Don’t take the T from Back Bay to Cambridge.
Don’t overlook the seafood.
Don’t expect cheers to look like Cheers.
Don’t visit Boston in the winter if you’re not used to our winters.
Don’t rub the foot of the John Harvard statue.
Don’t drive a U-Haul down Storrow Drive.

Take a sailboat out — but don’t imitate Wicked Tuna! image via Shutterstock.
Don’t ask people if they park their car in Harvard Yard.

Everyone who comes to Boston attempts to do the accent at some point. Everyone. and this go-to phrase, the quintessential Boston accent performance, is like nails on a chalkboard to a new Englander. (Personally, I prefer the phrase I got chowder in my trousers.)

Yes, we know, the Boston accent is hilarious. It’s also an exceptionally difficult accent to imitate. almost nobody can pull it off, even some highly lauded actors.

It’s a point of contention with Bostonians that most Boston movies are filled with terrible accents — which, frankly, is a huge distraction for us when watching these movies.

There is only one actor who I think successfully pulled off a seamless Boston accent: Jeremy Renner in The Town, who sounded like he had Charlestown flowing through his veins.

Alec Baldwin wishes his accent sounded like that. Hell, Ben Affleck wishes it, too.

I said what I said.

In short, if you’ve ever worked as a cashier and were ready to murder the millionth person who said, “Guess it’s free,” when something didn’t ring up, you’ll understand why you shouldn’t ask if someone pahks the cah in Hahvahd Yahd.

Even worse? Saying, “Oh, you’re from Boston! So you drink cwaffee?”

Eek.

No. That’s new York. I’m genuinely shocked at how often people assume “cwaffee” is Boston vernacular.

That being said, if you want to watch something stereotypically Boston and yet perfect, I encourage you to watch SNL’s Dunkin Donuts sketch with Casey Affleck from 2016. This sketch is so incredibly, blindingly accurate — “CUT YA NAILS, F’GOD’S SAKE!” — that it was all my family could talk about at Christmas.

Don’t wear Yankees gear.

This is actually a serious one. You probably know that Boston is a huge sports town. You probably know that the Boston’s Red Sox’s biggest rival is the new York Yankees.

You might even know that “Yankees Suck” chants fill the air surrounding Fenway before, during, and after a game when they win against the Orioles, or the blue Jays, or the Royals.

But you don’t know just how deep the rivalry runs until you show up wearing pinstripes.

Wearing another team’s sports gear — whether you’re repping the San Antonio Spurs or USC — is actually a good conversation starter in Boston. After all, most Bostonians love talking about sports with out-of-towners.

But wearing Yankees gear, even a Yankees hat, will get you constant dirty looks and snide comments from Bostonians. trying to order a drink in a bar? You will be served last.

“But I’m a nice person!” you may protest. “I don’t care that we’re rival teams! I just like the hat!”

Oh, I don’t doubt that you’re a nice person! but wearing a Yankees hat in Boston will get you off on the wrong foot immediately with everyone you meet.

I’ve actually had great times with Yankee fans in Boston. Derenullnull